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(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2005|04:57 pm]
Sarah
oh man, i started searching for stuff online, cause that's all i ever do when i'm at my mom's house, it's this compulsion. i can be in the middle of talking to someone, and i just wander off and start google-ing. anyway, i lost my point. oh yeah, i'm a waste of, well, everything. no, that's not true, but an hour of random searching will have me believe that everytime. maybe it's because i only go online in the house i grew up in, but the things i choose to search put me in a mood that makes me come off as a lot more morose in this journal than i actually am. i'm really not doing badly at all. i'm not bored, i'm not poor, i'm not blind. i like to complain about going to work, but really i'm just getting paid to hang out in a coffee shop reading, smoking, and eating. if i ever have to get a real job i think the severe case of gout and entitlement i'm currently developing might become a problem. uh yeah, that's it.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2005|06:41 pm]
Sarah
yes! i did it! i searched for myself on yahoo and i came up! sweet! i found myself online. perhaps this excruciating 10 year identity crisis can finally come to an end.
the last time i searched for "sarah johnson" all i got was pregnant horny housewives.com and geneology. now there's a jazz singer, a poet, and a murderer. oh, and you know what else is weird, the only other thing that came up with my middle name, besides the real me, was this girl in indiana. isn't that weird. the only other sarah jeanne johnson lives where i used to. at some point we could have been in the same place at the same time. weird.
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eugene-known for its mix of arts and culture, education, scenic attractions + passion for recreation [Jul. 27th, 2005|12:12 pm]
Sarah
not to mention it's skills in magic.

"Eugene: City of Bicycles"
one of the most "Bike-Friendly" communities in the U.S. - that is neat

The original Saturday Market, the oldest weekly open air crafts festival in the U.S. - hell yeah
*Over 300 artisans sell fine locally handcrafted goods
*Seventeen food booths serve international foods
*Live music all day on the Market Stage
*Lane County Farmers' Market across the street

university of oregon - as long as my gpa was at least a 2.02, i should be good
neat things i could major in:
Community arts
Fibers
Historic preservation
Metalsmithing and jewelry
Folklore
Second-language acquisition and teaching
Women's and gender studies

decent rent, 1 bedrooms from $450
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restupid, or maybe just self-loathing [Jul. 27th, 2005|12:07 pm]
Sarah
i feel funny, maybe it's frustration, maybe boredom. something's not so great. i mean, nothing's wrong, but maybe somethings aren't right. or maybe i'm just retarded.
i want to move. aug. 1st 2006. arizona if adrienne doesn't get into the peace corps, but she's pretty much exactly what they're looking for, so it looks like i'll be moving by myself. i'm thinking about oregon or louisiana. i'm getting a decent amount of shit for this, but i don't feel like this is me running to or from anything. i feel like a douche saying that, given the opening line of this entry. yeah, i've got a lot of really good things going for me in richmond, things that i haven't been able to manage before, but i feel like i'm settling, like i'm stagnent, like i'm dying. ok, so maybe i am searching for a geographical cure to internal issues. regardless of my slipping self assurence, i've lived in va for 11 years, if i settle here without knowing what else is out there i'm going to feel like i've cheated myself. people keep telling me that things are pretty much the same where ever you go, but i need to figure that out for myself.
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(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2005|07:52 pm]
Sarah
boys. oh man. they make me crazy. strike that, i make myself crazy trying to figure out the appropriate (i've heard/used that word more times in the last couple months than i ever thought possible for an entire lifetime) ways of interacting with them. i am in relationship kindergarten and my progress report reads: does not play well with others, shares too much, and needs to learn how to keep her hands to herself.
katy (in her best freud accent): "i'm going to psycho-analyze you, sarah, but i'm going to be the one that lays down because this is going to be a lot more work for me than for you".
at the end of our conversation "i don't know. you're backwards. you need a counselor".
unfortunately this had been confirmed about a week ago by adrienne: "you live in bizarro world. my face gets red even talking to sal (her boyfriend) about sex. you, you get nervous talking about a picnic."
how sad but true.
adrienne on standards: "i don't care if it's dark, because all i can think about is your ugly face touching my pretty face."
and as long as i'm at it how about some more adriennisms from over the years
"this is it. this is my fate, i'm going to finally get the nerve up to make a move and i'm going to fuck it up by fucking the punch bowl."
"but seriously what would happen if we fucked jesus? would god die? i mean think about it."
my personal favorite:
"wa-wa-wait! wait just a minute. are you sure that she's bi? maybe she's just fat."
"so how's (insert friend's name here)? is she still fat?"
"i need to be the judge of this, because your friends' opinions don't count, because not one of them is remotely attractive."

i'm at my mom's house right now, as i am everytime i update because i have to computer, which leads to another story as to why i had to turn down this awesome job that fell into my lap. this english professor at vcu is getting his phd at uva and he hurt his wrist, so he needs someone to do all of his typing. god dammit, that would have been such an awesome job, but i guess i don't really need a 4th job. anyway, at my mom's house. i was looking for something online and one of the recent searches that popped up was "addicion and love poems" (complete with spelling error). i keep forgetting that there's this random 19-year-old living here.

the worst thing about being at my mom's house is that it's the biggest trigger i've ever come across. it's not bad when i have a car, but being stranded here alone, especially in the summer, makes me crazy. i hadn't even finished getting my laundry out of the car when it hit me today. "yea, i'm going to take a break from reality! i'm going to smoke myself retarded and wander around to house until i get lost!" the last time i couldn't drive i was working over here and living in the city, so there were long periods of listening to getz and gilberto (girl from ipenema) and taking gravities in the bathroom and rediscovering my house while i waited for a ride across town. there are bongs made out of 2-liters hidden everywhere in this house. it takes all my strength not to go on an easter egg hunt. (somehow i acquired a ton of plastic easter eggs which i used to sell pot in and also hid all over the house). no good, but kind of funny when easter fell on 4/20 a couple years ago. damn the man.
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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2005|03:20 pm]
Sarah
apparently ugly and everyone really is out to get me. ok, so i know that's not really true, but damn, it's seeming like the popular opinion, at least among my friends and employer. my job is fucking my shit up so badly right now. charles, the owner, is trying to turn everyone against each other. he's lying to everyone about the status of the restaurant and our status as employees. we're going to shut down one minute, but then he wants to hire more people. i like my job, but this is too much. he told me the manager was trying to fire me, but that he wouldn't let that happen, but he also told the other waitress that he needed a pretty face to work in the mornings, my shifts. so either i'm ugly or he was planning to fire me, or maybe both. this shit is so fucked up. i can't trust any of the people i work with anymore, because everyone is talking so much shit about everyone. we have like 5 employees, this is ridiculous. and now i feel like an ass for ever saying anything about julie. i didn't think my personal petty annoyance with her would have any impact on our jobs. it fucking sucks to realize that you're a pawn. fuck, i need a new job.
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(no subject) [Mar. 27th, 2005|03:26 pm]
Sarah
. . . so i've decided that i kind of like richmond and i will stay around for a while after all, but this means everyone else has to move. i'm dibbsing richmond. i hate running into people i know. (that's a big part of the reason my hair is black right now. a year and a half ago i started dying it black so that no one would recognize me, but it's starting to catch up with me and i've run out of hair colors.) anyway, it all comes down to my refusal to let the past be real. i want to believe that who i am now has no future or past and that i can exist in this limbo forever. i've come to terms with a lot of shit, but more in the storybook, "once upon a time there was a girl who happened to have the same name as me" type way.
i ran into a guy that i used to know, sort of, at 4th street last night and my guts were halfway up my esophogus in less than a second that seemed like an hour. i could have gone my whole life without seeing him again, or atleast a couple years, and the part that really sucks is that i was the asshole, i was the reason i was uncomfortable, i was retarded and he was a witness/victim. i have this awesome habit of intruding in other people's lives and pulling them into my personal hell. oh yeah, and did i mention that he's really hot and i'm sexually frustrated and he's the last guy i fucked. . . and he hates me.
i ended up making an ammends and that wouldn't have been my ideal place to start, but it went ok and it's over with. so whatever, things happen for a reason. i need to quit procrastinating on the rest, but mother fuck, if ashley ever sees me again she's gonna attack me on sight and claim self defense and i couldn't blame her, because it was some fucked up shit when i last saw her. i definetly should have been locked up at the time. people don't trust my sanity enough to met with me. oh well, i'm dumb and maybe it won't be so bad, but if the roles were switched there would be no way i'd come within 50 feet of myself.
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(no subject) [Mar. 26th, 2005|12:05 am]
Sarah
i feel stupid and dumb, and yes they are different, but most of all bored. this is a truly horrifying feeling because nothing good has ever come from my boredom. i thought about tripping at least five times today. it's stupid, i know, but on the walk to work i starting thinking about different distillation techniques, which are the most effective, easiest, which allow me to play with fire the most. dumb. i haven't done that in so long. at kroger it took all my strength to get through the drug aisle without stopping. then i was there again with jiffy and i couldn't even go down it. she asked me if i had any benadryl at my house and my first thought was it's too risky, but the second was maybe i should have some at the house. walmart same thing. glowing medicine aisles and nostalga. the last final temptation was waltussin up by the register on sale for 1.94. drugs are bad for me. i can know this, but at the same time salivate at the thought of robotussin and fantisize about shoving anything and everything up my nose. you'd think that talking on a daily basis to a friend of mine whp's kicking dope this week would disuade from these thoughts but they keep popping back up. when am i finally going to have had enough of this? is it going to take another life scattering disaster? fuck this shit.
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(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2004|12:34 am]
Sarah
i don't think i like the big book (of alcoholics anonymous, the bible of aa). it's bothering me because i'm in aa and it's helped me a lot, but everytime i read the book it doesn't make me feel better like i think it should, like it does other people. it just kind of frustrates me. the book just seem like propaganda. it sounds fake. there are way to many exclamation points. i imagine it's written in the same style as the little red book. i know aa's not anything like the red guard, but half of me can't help but wonder when the cyanide's gonna be in the coffee. that makes me sound a lot more critical of aa than i really am, i still think it works, it's obvious in those it's helped, the many thousands that have recovered, but i just don't know if i buy a lot of the ideas. i feel like there's no room for skeptisism. if i doubt, then i'm going to relapse, if i don't feel inspired after reading the big book than i'm going to relapse. if this is a program of promises that do come true, then why can someone do all the right things; go to two meetings a day, pray, meditate, have a good sponser that they talk to daily, relapse. yeah i know it's human frailty, the nature of the illness, but if you belive in human choice then why can't someone choose to stop drinking and just stop. i hear so many people say that their higher power is the only thing standing between them and a drink. what if you don't have a higher power, how the hell are you keeping from drinking. if someone is able to make a decision and just stop drinking, people say they weren't really an alcoholic. i'm sick of the idea that if you don't need aa to stop drinking then you're not an alcoholic. i feel like aa has stolen the word alcoholic and made it their own. i am an alcoholic. when i start drinking i don't stop and i threw away almost everything i had drinking and using, and was miserable every second, but kept doing it. i was powerless over drugs and alcohol when they played an active role in my life. i come from a bloodline full of alcoholics and addicts. i've got the genetics. i am an alcoholic. but if i were to choose to stop, using a method other than aa i'm told i'm not. i'm frustrated by the big book thumpers the same way that i get frustrated with religious fanatics. maybe i'm frustrated by the lack of denominations. aa is full of "strict catholics" and they're held high and revered, but what if i'm an "episcipalion"? i believe strongly in the importance of talking to others who have similar problems and have gone through similar things and the value of meeting people who are also in sobriety, but i'm not so sure about the dogma. the term sobriety vs. dry drunk also bothers me. since when is being sober something besides not being under the influence. since when is sobriety a long the same lines as saint hood. i'm not saying that i don't want to have good morals and do the ethical right thing and be the bigger person, turn the other cheek, and so on, but that's being a good person, that's not being sober. it's another word that's been twisted. i feel like in order to be a "good" member of aa i have to wear blinders and accept their travel brochure sounding instruction manual for life.
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2004|01:51 am]
Sarah
i made a family tree of the addicts and alcoholics in my family. starting from the bottom there's me, lilly, and katy. i'm an alcoholic/addict. katy and lilly abusers, but not nessisarily addicts. moving up there's my dad, alcoholic/ addict extrodonare (sp), my mom, safe i suppose, but as i went on i started to doubt it. my dad's siblings, patti- another skid row alcoholic/addict, on her third liver, possibly dead, dead to whatever resemblence of a family we ever had. alan, alcoholic. mike, alcohlic/addict, listens to 8-tracks and watches wrestling, and that's about it. i'm not sure about my grand parents on that side, but both drank daily. my mom's brothers are both alcoholic/cocaine addicts. her dad's an alcoholic and her mom was an alcohlic pill-popper. she was hooked on what seems like the best drug ever, dexemil, a combination of dexedrine and miltown. speed and a tranquilizer in one pill, i never would have done anything else if this would have still been around.
it's funny i always blamed everything on my father, my alcoholism, addiction, craziness, but it's pretty clear that the gray are the ones who loved speed. i guess it's not just the johnson way. they both fucked me over pretty well.
after looking at all this i'm beginning to wonder. how did my mom escape and immediate family of dual addicts? and more so i wonder about my sisters. we're third generation of one fucked up family of solid addiction. i'm wondering if my mom really did escape or if her drinking patterns aren't as normal as i thought. they obviously seem normal to my because i thought i was normal, and i grew up thinking my father and uncles were normal (no way did i ever think patti was normal). she's not as bad as the disasters i've grown up around and become myself, but i have no concept of what normal is.
i'm so terrified to have kids. johnsons should all just be sterilized, and i'm thiking grays should probably follow suit.
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